It was the butter I was going to use to sweat the vegetables. My fingers trembled slightly.Squatting over the floor, I prepared to impale myself by holding my breath. A whimper escaped from my lips as I felt the carrot intrude on my back hole. I imagined that I could feel every contour, every edge formed by the peeler although I had rounded it fairly smoothly."Take it, bitch," I muttered to myself.It came from inside, a darker place that seldom expressed itself. My husband had never expressed any interest in my anus, and I still found it somewhat forbidden territory.I squatted lower, planting the end of the carrot on the floor, and forcing it in a little. I groaned in pain. It felt good."Oh yeah, take it, you little whore," I said quietly.Dirty words like that were never uttered in front of my family.My eyes were level with the counter level and I spied the eggplant. I grabbed at it greedily, like a starving person reaching for sustenance, almost dropping it in my eagerness. I. Was it just Alex, or did other people in the room stop talking? “You see…” Zoe took a deep breath. “I’ve been sort of thinking about my sexuality recently. Because I wasn’t sure and… well, I’m still not sure but I guess I realised I’m into women? But it’s not like I’ve ever done it with a woman… I’ve never done it with anyone.” Alex desperately tried to find something to say but her brain just refused to work. Zoe must think I’m an idiot, she thought. “There is… umm…” said Zoe finally, still red on her face. Or maybe it was the heat generated by that massive PC? Alex felt very hot herself. “There is someone I really like and I’ve always wanted to be with her but… well, I don’t even know if…” “You don’t know if she’s gay,” Alex finished quickly. Zoe just nodded, unable to look her friend into the eye. “Who is it, Zoe?” Alex didn’t need to ask that. She already knew; it had just occurred to her. Why was she so oblivious? All those longing glances, those late night conversations.
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